Speaking With Children About Antisemitism
It’s Fall and school is back in session which means many parents find themselves faced with the difficult and heartbreaking task of helping their children understand antisemitism. Here, you will find a comprehensive guide for these tough conversations, tips on supporting children while they are in distress/experiencing vicarious trauma (secondary trauma), and ways to ground our conversations and experience in Jewish joy. We cannot let antisemitism define our children’s experience of Judaism!
First, let’s go over some guidelines (we’ll go into more detail on each throughout the article):
Kids know when we’re dishonest- don’t lie.
Kids are not there to shoulder our emotional needs! Do not burden them with the task of caring for you, that is our job.
Age-appropriate conversations: You know how and what your child understands best. Make your words digestible to them while making sure not to overload them with information.
How-To’s for Tough Conversations
Check in with yourself: Before you do anything- ground yourself and emotionally prepare for this conversation. It’s imperative for us to be a source of calm and emotional regulation for children. They learn best by observing trusted models so be sure to demonstrate accordingly. In age appropriate ways, it can be beneficial to share your feelings with your child, but do not do so in a way which asks them to care for you. Allow them to see your vulnerability but never burden them with the task of caring for you. That is your job. Remember to be calm, as unemotional as possible, and keep your explanations age appropriate.
Validate their feelings and concerns and offer reassurance but don’t make false promises.
Be honest! If our children are asking questions, it means they know something. Don’t dismiss them. They will continue to seek answers regardless and it’s better to come from you than Tik Tok, right? Children have a good sense for when adults are lying to them. In our attempts at keeping them safe from painful information, our overwhelm, confusion, and avoidance when they approach us likely gives them the incorrect impression that they’ve done something wrong by asking questions. We don’t want to discourage curiosity and we certainly don’t want to miss an opportunity for vulnerable connection. Do not allow your child to see you as an “unsafe” person. The key here is to be both truthful and age appropriate.
Focus on messaging. Instead of honing in on the danger, violence, trauma, and fear, focus the conversation to one of the resilience of the Jews and Israelis. The takeaways from your conversations can revolve around pride in our culture and history rather than fear and pain. I know you are afraid and in pain, but our children don’t have to be.
If you don’t have an answer to their question, say that! Parents are humans too and it’s actually quite helpful for children to see that. What a wonderful opportunity for you to learn together! If you bring sources to them/go on fact finding missions together, they’re less likely to go searching on their own and be influenced by others or be exposed to traumatic and/or false information. This is a unique chance to connect with them and expose them to other people/institutions, too! Bring them to the local library, to your Rabbi, etc. If there is no clear answer, discuss bigger meanings (ex: ‘why do people hate us?” Is an opportunity to discuss love and belonging).
Do not overload them with unnecessary information- they do not need to know everything right now. In fact, depending on their age, they shouldn’t. There is a tough balance to strike here of arming your child with education while also keeping them safe from trauma. If your child has concerns regarding confrontations with peers, try role-playing with them to demonstrate self-advocacy and confidence.
Be prepared to have to answer the same questions many times in many ways. Praise your child for their curiosity and persistence of understanding!
Trauma Support For Children
Children’s needs of course differ amongst ages and personality, but generally speaking, the following are helpful tips for supporting children during distress and trauma:
Create safety using extra touch (ex: cuddling, hugs, hand holding)
Limit social media and news exposure!!
Don’t impose your idea of “coping” on them. Some kids want more family time, some kids want their friends or Grandma- center your child. I know you might feel better with them close and that is how you want to cope with the fear right now, but our job is to meet their needs, not have them meet ours.
Act calm: they need your reassurance and rely on you for a sense of safety and emotional regulation. Do not discuss your fears with them- it’s not fair.
Routine, routine, routine. The best recipe to chaos and change is reliability at home (family dinner, bedtimes, etc.)
Encourage open and honest conversations
Watch for signs of trauma/anxiety and know when to seek help from a professional.
Encourage enjoyment and JEWISH JOY! Play dates, hobbies, activities, and distractions are healthy for all of us. (More on that below)
Centering Jewish Joy!
Below are some ideas for how to reframe conversations about Judaism away from antisemitism and instead about Jewish joy.
Shabbat! No need to make it religious if that’s not your vibe. Maybe it just means Friday nights are for family and connection:
Bake a challah together
Family activity without phones or distractions
Include as many or as little rituals you feel comfortable with. Click here for some ideas.
“Modeh/Modah Ani” prayers when we wake up to express gratitude for another day. Click here for guidance.
Holidays: It’s always a new holiday- go apple picking for Rosh Hashanah, build a Sukkah and have a few meals outside during Sukkot, plant a tree for Tu Bishvat, dance with the Torah on Simchat Torah… (Jewish holiday calendar)
Tzedakah: Have them make/decorate their own box and pick out the organization it will go to. What a beautiful way to give them autonomy and teach them the value of tzedakah.
I know that our collective pain is great and being the parent of a Jewish child is a roller coaster right now. You don’t need to be perfect, just try your best and be transparent with your child when you “mess up.” Lean on your communities and loved ones.
Jessica Cook, M.Ed., L’dor Vador Creator
Instagram: @jessicagcoook
